THE WINCHESTER-NABU DETECTIVE AGENCY
YEAR TWO: CASE FILE NO. 17-69
AMBER LOVE 03-SEP-2018 Catch up on Year One and previous Year Two cases at the Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency. This work is supported by the generous backers who adore my cat stories at Patreon.com/amberunmasked and they also get first access to what’s happening with my books and podcast. For a one-time tip, you can go to the new PayPal.me.
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Where we left off:
After laying low for a couple of weeks, Joey Bag O’Peanuts returned to his home in the Fairy Garden and led Gus on a high-speed chase through Gnome Grove.
Trunk Music
I’ve enjoyed the Bosch TV series and no, I have not read the books by Michael Connolly. The last season was incredible and had a whopping surprise in it. This leads me to explaining Trunk Music. If Mr. Connolly is to be believed (and Wikipedia), it’s an old gangster’s saying about having to dispose of someone by putting their body in the trunk of a car. I’m tangentially familiar with this. Family legend claims that my mother’s 1972 Cadillac Coupe de Ville (red with white leather interior — a god awful choice for children) came directly from the Cosa Nostra and had been used for trunk music purposes.
My cousin also married two different women named Teresa/Theresa and one of them was a mobster’s daughter, but that’s another story. We’re here in the boonies now and the Moretti crime family runs the Underground syndicate.
Crimes Against Gnomanity:
It’s time for us to sprawl the case files all over the kitchen table and see what we haven’t seen. Patterns. Methods. Any links that we missed.
When Gnomez Addams first moved into the Grove, it took time for him and the neighborhood to find their beat, their symbiosis. He was a foreigner and in a new land. His home was new and went through stages of building to get to this point where he has a lovely door, a slate patio and path, and mossy welcome mat. He didn’t seem to mind the disruptions at first. He was a new hire at the Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency and simply wanted to do a good job of keeping his eyes on the activity of the Grove, Oliver’s private patio, and the Fairy Garden neighborhood.
Soon after his home construction was completed, we began our peanut distribution. It’s our way, we thought, to appease the Moretti family and keep the fae folk well-stocked in snacks. The squirrels of the Grove took to Gnomez with curiosity. In fact, the first few times we found Gnomez on the ground—lying there helpless after assaults—Oliver, Gus and I thought that Squirrel Haggard was the culprit. He’s a beefy fellow so perhaps, not as agile and spry. But as the crimes against gnomanity continued, it looked like our original assumption was incorrect.
The attacks included vandalism. Someone was taking all the mossy insulation from around the door and throwing it around the way human children “TP” neighborhoods on Mischief Night*. (*apparently this Mischief Night is a NJ colloquialism, but it’s the night before Halloween when you go out and vandalize places; some towns in the Midwest refer to it as Goosy Night which makes no damn sense.)
Apologies to the squirrels, but I can’t in good conscience continue believing they were the culprits. Not after what went down with Joey Bag O’PeanutsSee previous case file.
June 13, 2018, Wednesday
I first started documenting the Gnome Grove crimes on June 13, 2018. It stood out because it coincided with another attack on Rosalu the fairy. Fairy assaults go all the way back to Case 2017-32 with the attack on Meg von Fae, who has since been removed from the Fairy Garden neighborhood. In the case file of the Moretti crime family, we discussed the tendency for Joey Bag O’Peanuts to attack Rosalu. Now that you’re caught up, June 13th photos are a bloodbath minus the blood.
This investigation was supervised by Oliver Winchester personally. Sometimes he spends so much time studying and resting up that he leaves the grunt work of the cases to me and Gus. However, Gnome Grove and the Fairy Garden are close to Oliver’s wing of the residence so he takes a special interest in those neighborhoods.
June 21, 2018, Thursday
Gnomez Addams was discovered again in the morning as Gus and I made our rounds. Part of the pattern here is that gnomes are easily amnesiatic (a word I just made up). Overall, they have fantastically reliable memories and can recall details from the distant past. However, the slightest bump on the noggin and their short term memory fails.
Gus and I were distracted on June 21st by another case. The Black VondaCase No. 15-67 case also needed attention and further investigating. The resurgence of evil forces around the mysterious car kept our focus and we failed to follow up with Gnomez.
The assaults always occur before our morning walk. We don’t always do an evening perimeter check anymore due to the extreme humidity and the difficulty it creates in breathing; however, as long as I’m up for it and have the energy to stand, I take Gus out for his rounds. He spends so much time standing around now, that we’re no longer partaking in three-hours of glute-busting hikes like the summer of 2017.
June 24, 2018, Friday
According to our Instagram, June 23, 2018 was also filled with gathering forensic and spectral evidence in the Black Vonda case. The next day, Gus was schedule for tete-a-tete with the fairies. On our way over there, I found Gnomez face-down on the ground!
This assault was the only one on Gnomez where he appears to be hit from behind. In all the cases where we remembered to take photos, he was found supine (face up). Why did the suspect change his MO? Did something surprise him as he was about to batter Gnomez? According to my notes, the only activity I documented that day was a visit from the Mayor of Bunny Hollow, Lola Rabbit; but Lola stayed in the northwestern part of the property away from the fairies and gnome.
End of July:
As I remarked in the previous case file about Joey Bag O’Peanuts, it had seemed that the mobster soldier disappeared or had even been subject to trunk music ordered by the capo, Tamas Marmotini. We had to wonder if he’d been assassinated. A chipmurder? Assassimunk?
We got tied up with other things. There was a frog murder ruled accidental, discovered on July 27. Oliver got sick for a couple of days. Fortunately it was brief and he bounced back quickly. Gus focused on the mobile command unit with daily inspections. He hounded Sgt. Burrows, an enforcer for Moretti, at the southern border a lot.
When August came around, I got so busy with non-detectivery (Shawn Spencer’s word) that it was hard to keep up with all the Winchester-Nabu cases. On August 3rd, Gus and I finally met the elusive Ada Holestein, consigliere to Moretti. She was staying under the front porch, but we have good intel that it’s not her regular residence. Everything in Gnome Grove seemed peaceful until…
August 14, 2018, Tuesday
The day before, August 13th, it sure seemed like peace had come to Gnome Grove. Joey Bag O’Peanuts hadn’t caused trouble in weeks. The fairies were doing well. Mushrooms blossomed all over the Grove. It rained a lot and the weeds became jungles suitable for critters.
We were taken off-guard the next day. We didn’t expect Joey Bag O’Peanuts to come back. Plus the emotional state he was in was bizarre. Aggressive. Risky. Daring. Fearless. And his super speed was indeed souped up. (I can’t believe that word is spelled with an “o” rather than like super.)
We’ve moved through Lughnasadh and the darkness is returning. It was dark outside when Gus saw something dart down a hole abutting a tree at the edge of Gnome Grove. He dragged me to see what it was. That’s when we found Gnomez’s body lying supine again. He was slightly rolled onto his side, but not much. He was left on his back facing away from his door and patio. Gus was too busy trying to ferret out the suspect while I took care of our friendly gnome. For the rest of that entanglement, revisit the previous case file where we confirmed Joey was back in town and causing trouble.
As for the patterns of abuse against faekind, we’re ready to firmly state that Joey Bag O’Peanuts is the culprit. Squirrel Haggard has been exonerated completely.
Findings:
- Case Status: Open
- Suspect: Joey Bag O’Peanuts (alias Giuseppe Saccarachidi)
- Course of Action: Continue patrols regularly; peanut distribution will be maintained in both neighborhoods despite suspect’s actions. Security camera installed.
Founder and Editor-in-Chief of AmberUnmasked.com and Vodka O'Clock Podcast. Author of The Farrah Wethers Mysteries, comic book short stories, prose, and non-fiction. Cosplayer and figure model.